My power, my curse.

I do not know what the fuck is going on. Ofcourse that is not something which si totally new to me. Generally figuring out my emotions is something I have never been good at. Usually, I either live in ignorance or denial of my emotions. That is easier, because even though it is harder to face all the emotions at once, it is seldom a choice.
I think of it everyday. I sit here, a little perplexed and a little confused. But at the same time, I am really muddled up in the head, I still cannot think straight. I always thought writing helps be clear my head, but I guess its just an outlet of intense emotions which I cannot talk about to anyone else.

Sticks and Stones of Emotions

The point in time when you feel so wretched about yourself that you feel afraid of looking at yourself in the mirror. You get scared that your reflection will look down on you for what you have done.
Most of the people I have met in my life have been very good to me. And I try my level best to reciprocate the feelings and care. But there comes this one person, who is so good to you, only out of the concern a stranger would have for any other stranger and you just shrug them off.
There are few times when I actually feel guilty so deep inside, that it hurts. It physically hurts to face the guilt so it becomes easier to shrug it aside and not think about it. But its like a tumor, which grows and hurts more as the time passes by. And before you know it, its become big enough for not just your sight but for others as well. This is my problem. This is where I go wrong. This is my punishment.
And then when you start feeling worthless, you just don't want anything to do with anyone. Be strong and face your fears. Its hard.

I don't write anymore. Just don't feel like it :)

Raise Your Hopeful Voice...

It hurts. So bad. For the first time in my life I feel a professional set back which is so deeply upsetting. It wont be wrong if I say that I had pined all my hopes and plans on this opportunity, which i blew off just by being too excited. I just cannot believe the fact that something this important can ever slip for my hands so easily and so foolishly after coming so far. So many hurdles cleared and the last one took me down with it. It is just unreal. Unreal.

The Closer, The Farther.

As the old saying goes, "When the chase ends, so does the fun".

I'm too caught up anyway with the set of problems which could petentially hamper me while I am in the US, worried about how things in my life could get out of my control
Thinking more about my responsibilities than ever before.
Thinking that will I also become like those NRI sons they show on the TV, like my own relative who changed with time.
Thinking about how am I going to burn so much of my parents hard and honestly earned savings of the last 26 years, saying to myself that its "OK".
But at the same time I think about the great possibilities that lie ahead.
About how i can set precedent in my family and match up to those who are already at that level.
About finally being at a place with no limitations where only mu effort and wisdom will be my limit.
Occasionally I look back on life, people I have met, get lost in a train of thoughts and memories, and then smile with the thought of how i will be leaving them . And like always, sadness soon engulfs the thought process.

You asked me how am I feeling now. I guess this is it.

Hille le.

The song gives me wierd long lost feelings. Feelings not close to anything ive felt in the recent times. Feelings that ive missed. Feelings that make me forget all the human concerns and worries. And guess what Im not worried now. Nor am i concerned.
Hille le is a song which defines good. I miss those times. The times when atrocities came down with a crash.
Expression is such an important thing. Yet so many people lack it. It makes you what you are. Yet reveals as much as you want. Each thud of the tabla reveals and expresses so much about what the person wants to convey. Its a high which cannot be felt otherwise.
When the song narrows down from a high note to the low one so smoothly as it feels im sitting in the same train to ahmedabad.
Life will never be the same again after these odd 16 days. Yet im not sad. Ive shed the tears I had to. And now I think Im ready to let go.
He is the one person ive always looked upto. A person, whom from my heart I believe that whatever he does cannot be wrong. This song reminds me of him.
I wish this life was what you expected it to be. I guess its always too much to ask.

Sunshine.

I THINK IM IN LOVE.... AGAIN!