Sunshine.

I THINK IM IN LOVE.... AGAIN!

Reality.

Sometimes I wake up in the morning and wonder why I put myself through this. I would like to take the easy way out, graduate with a B.Tech in a subject that I enjoy studying, and get into the working force. Already I'm begining to feel the pressures of having to make lots and lots of money. But I want to pursue something more...I can't explain exactly what I want. I guess I'm just begining to appreciate everything that I've learned in college (outside of the classroom of course). Imagine changing competely your view of the world in a relatively short period of time. Sometimes I tell myself that I haven't changed, stubbornly holding on to my carefree childish attitude. But I can't seem to suppress this new perception of the world. I can no longer pretend to be naive and ignorant, no matter how convenient it is for me. So I strive everyday to learn more about life and about people. Too bad classes get in the way. But its a small price to pay to interact with so many intriguing minds. I need to extend my time within the academic community. It seems as though graduate school is my only option. Unfortunately, this will take a little bit more sacrifice than I had anticipated.

Sunshine.. felt on my palm.

Q. What makes her so unhappy? What makes her so angry? Why does she act in ways i cannot comprehend?

A 1. Thats because she is fucked up inside!

A 2. Its because she loves me and cant take it that you are not with her when she needs me.

Well maybe neither of the two. First one i cannot accept because it is politically incorrect.
Second one has been proved wrong by many instances.

Maybe im just too immature to realise anything.

Underneath the bridge the tarp has sprung a leak and the animals Ive trapped
Have all become my pets and Im living off of grass and the drippings from the ceiling
Its okay to eat fish because they dont have any feelings

The man likes the look on your face, baffled, bewildered and perplexed. Though he is concerned this passes. The darkness will lift up. I have started feeling happy.

I Carry Your Heart.

i carry your heart with me
i carry it in my heart
i am never without it
anywhere i go you go, my dear; and whatever is done by only me is your doing, 
I fear no fate
for you are my fate, my sweet
i want no world
for beautiful you are my world, my true
and it's you are whatever a moon has always meant 
and whatever a sun will always sing is you
here is the deepest secret nobody knows
here is the root of the root and the bud of the bud
and the sky of the sky of a tree called life; which grows
higher than soul can hope or mind can hide
and this is the wonder that's keeping the stars apart

i carry your heart,i carry it in my heart

by E.E. Cummings

wish i cud personlize it. its for someone close to me. very close. 

not related to the blog. but the person is worth more.

Nebulous Fall.

The more you look forward to, the lesser the counter offers.

The light diminishes and you only have the fal to look forward to.

You get further hopeful when a stall breaks the fall, and before you realise, the fall resumes.

Rush of the blood to yourhead in unchecked, but the stalls make you feel the fall is over, but actually it is not. The only option you have is to voluntarily hit the ground. And that is irreversible.

the man has a smirk when you stall. he knows the momentary happiness will end. and that you will fall again. its like he has programmed it all. but you will not let him conquer.

Needle Vs. String

Step one you say we need to talk
He walks you say sit down it's just a talk
He smiles politely back at you
You stare politely right on through
Some sort of window to your right
As he goes left and you stay right
Between the lines of fear and blame
You begin to wonder why you came

Where did I go wrong, I lost a friend
Somewhere along in the bitterness
And I would have stayed up with you all night
Had I known how to save a life

Let him know that you know best
Cause after all you do know best
Try to slip past his defense
Without granting innocence
Lay down a list of what is wrong
The things you've told him all along
And pray to God he hears you

As he begins to raise his voice
You lower yours and grant him one last choice
Drive until you lose the road
Or break with the ones you've followed
He will do one of two things
He will admit to everything
Or he'll say he's just not the same
And you'll begin to wonder why you came

I swear i wudve stayed up, not just for you.. for me too. Turns out when the haze cleared, i did stay up. Didnt help. Faded away too fast. wasnt painful. still wonder if it was meant to be. still wonder if it did any indemnity or the speech always alleviated all the anguish. but for me it agitated a major portion of the part which just refused to give in to the numbness. which i think might be a farse altogether.

guess i really didnt know... how to save a life... couldnt save the one i wanted to. mine. soliloquy it is.. and a damn screwed up one. 

Blase.

you realise suddenly. you are bored. eating. with learning new words. with shopping. with your tears. with the morbid surroundings inside you. with yourself. that is the time you are in a blase.

the man still peeps inside. and he knows for a fact that the predicament you are in cannot ever be disentangled. it is an esoteric abyss with the spasmodic mulcts of destiny. they will never be resolved.

novelty- finding something new in everything you come across. human nature compels the soul to find it. otherwise you Will be a blase. life will be hackneyed.

now when you do come to this point and realise that its all a mockery being played on you, you will but make a fatous comment about how trifling life is to you.

the man is playing a game. be careful. the valorous will conquer.

lost...

stand in a crowd,
listen to silence of words.

I hear my heart beat,
into hollow rooms.
Pressed against,
cold floors.
become real.
be something,
was nothing.

I go missing sometimes,
disappear between words.
kiss me once,
forget to leave my breath.
took my soul,
out for a while.
but left my hollow body;
between sand and seaweed.

death always comes;
when you least expect it.

silence is always in violence.
slow,

time moves when you have nothing,

more
to
give.

Sabse peeche hum khade

everything... all around me
my head.. my life.
all seems to go in a 'garbled gibberish'
why does it have to be so complicated.
am i supposed to b like this?? or is it just my belief that makes me heavy and morose inside.
what is it.. it has come to a level that the more i hide it the more it grows stronger inside. i cannot open it. it is a waste and is dangerous. it is not explosive but is corrosive. and it is taking the toll. i dont have anything to comfort me that i normally do. coz of the circumstances i am in now. well in a particular perspective they are weak man's option. i dont care.
tears are words heart cant say.. sad that my heart has become mute.
i waited ...
can u hear me???
the hardest truth is wen i try to run i know nobody will follow me.

in my brother's voice
"teri aankhon ka jaadu, poori duniya par hai..
duniya ki is bheed mein, sabse peeche hum khade"

in my voice
"The ocean is full cause everyones crying,
The full moon is looking for friends at high tide.
The sorrow grows bigger when the sorrows denied.
I only know my mind. I am mine."

but you know.. my voice is a mask.. it is just a decoy.

the man laughs today. laughs looking at me. he thinks its all done. but not yet.

My Wish List.

I wish I was a neutron bomb, for once I could go off
I wish I was a sacrifice but somehow still lived on
I wish I was a sentimental ornament you hung on
The christmas tree, I wish I was the star that went on top
I wish I was the evidence, I wish I was the grounds
For 50 million hands upraised and open toward the sky

I wish I was a sailor with someone who waited for me
I wish I was as fortunate, as fortunate as me
I wish I was a messenger and all the news was good
I wish I was the full moon shining off a camaros hood

I wish I was an alien at home behind the sun
I wish I was the souvenir you kept your house key on
I wish I was the pedal brake that you depended on
I wish I was the verb to trust and never let you down

I wish I was a radio song, the one that you turned up
I wish...
I wish...

I identify with Eddie Vedder a lot on this.

Black.

the wait as come to a level that the next entry became an anti climax for me too
now i would like to tell the readers of this blog(though are in countable numbers) that it will not always be as interesting. coz i wont get stoned this often. well no further comments.

life is fair. its very fair. i think it gives you back watever u deliever to it. the only problem is that you do not get it at the time when you need it the most. but baby, that was not written in the clause.

most people do not even read the offer document properly before investing in life. funny isnt it? they just assume that all gains will be theirs. which is, obviously not to be. learn it the hard way. there is no other way.

this person only danced in the influence of liquor. he was scared. scared of sarcasm. scared of criticism. scared of himself. somehow i think he did extraordinarily well today. not because of the performance. but facing the fear he always had. the person made my day.

there was a well in the garden,
most people thought it was dry,
so it was of no use,
until sarah drowned in it.
it was too late to use the well.

sick:- primarily used to describe the filth and the rubbage in one's mind. occasionally used to refer to a condition in which a human being is physically affected by an ailment.

a new start:- bull crap. dont get me started.

coming back to life and the senses. it never occured to me that the small indistinguishable differences in life could affect you so much. the man teaches you how to differentiate. the man is still there. he always will be.

Last Kiss.

i start blogging.a co-creature asks me with his eyes half closed.. when did we join this college?i say 4th august 2005.. and 2009 its over. My mind sends impulse and gathering information it says.."2008...it is.. ". body reacts.
i turn towards the monitor again.. gettin bak to the orkut which held little interest.everything dizzy and a little muttered. i sense the spine chilling gap i have had in the three years. 4th august 2005..a guy with short hair, huge self and 2 inhalers joined this place.the guy has is lost. he is gone with the smoke and the plant by-products.


i dont even know why i made this blog and why am i writing my first scrap when i cant type properly.i named it something which i guess describes a side of me i know exists but hate to confess.


scarcity is todays word: a lack of the bit needed.it lies everywhere .in all forms. scarcity of love, emotions, truth, belief,food,money,power.

i had read kurt cobain's sucide letter when i was 16. its not about the boddah, neither is it about kurt. it said eveything which was so incoherent i dont think even he knew what he was writing.i still believe i understand it.


when i lie down to sleep today.. close my eyes.. i will see the pictures from those figments of life i, maybe, never knew existed. its beautiful.

love:- an illusion created by the zero quenching society to satiate their need for security.
i still remember that fragrance.. that flowery smell still lingering here.. sometimes my mind makes me believe so. i find it at many places. i dont knw how. it is a scary yet welcome feeling. i search for it when i lose it. i do.

last song.i still remember.that last song.


that guy.. looks right in my eyes as if he can see what im made of..rather it glorifys with an execrable look the amount that is missing from my soul.that guy does it to evry human being.its dreadful when you are done looking everywhere and have to look into his eyes which are widening.

there is always the other side of the moon. it is equally important to explore it.